Why is it so hard to make friends after 30?

Are your Saturday nights increasingly limited to binge-watching the latest trendy series in front of a TV set?

Are your weekends no longer filled with opportunities for all kinds of outings like they used to?

Don't worry, it's quite normal.

Age makes you appreciate quality over quantity.

A study conducted in 2019 by Snapchat among 10,000 people indicates that the French have on average 3 real friends. Compared to 2 for Americans and 6 for Saudis.

We meet most of our friends initially at school or on the benches of the university.

So yes, they may not last over time, but at least they are easier to create.

The older you get, the more people come into your life. But few relationships last and develop into friendships. People come and go, and I know what I mean.

Indeed, for example, the life of an expat brings new friendships quite easily upon arrival. Because you live the same thing, you support each other in difficult times as well as in your little joys. Then one day, people end up leaving one after the other. And you find yourself having to rebuild your social circle each time. And thus go from a super enriching life in small moments of quality in good company to increasingly rare outings and opportunities.

We are far from the time when it was enough to exchange a ball on the beach to create a friendship (true subject, we are still friends 24 years later, Coralie if you read me, big up ^^)

Group membership

You realize that belonging to a group of friends is important in your life.

I experienced it twice, when I was 15-20 (large group, mostly male, of which my ex-boyfriend was a part).

The other time, when I arrived in Montreal, where for 2 years, thanks to the shared accommodation that we formed upon our arrival, we created a small group. With whom we did the 400 blows, having fun every weekend, going on weekends to discover the country or the USA. A real Spanish hostel (even if there, for the time being, we were only between French people unlike in the film^^).

This feeling of belonging is indescribable.

After all, who has never grown up dreaming of evolving in a group of friends like in Friends ? Or have your group of girlfriends to gossip, go to brunch and go shopping like in Sex and the City ?

The reality is often quite different from your teenage fantasy.

Natural sorting is essential

In addition, it is important to take into account that losing friends is also part of life, unfortunately (or fortunately if the relationships were toxic).

Over time, a natural sorting takes place among your friends and acquaintances. You evolve differently in your life, you have not all arrived at the same point in your lives. And no longer find yourself in relationships that no longer bring you anything.

You know over time what you want and what you don't want anymore.

Which relationship will be healthy for you? Or on the contrary, the one that would tend to bring you only negativity, or even toxicity on the edges.

Basically, there are so many other reasons why it becomes harder to make friends the older you get.

Why is it so difficult to make new friends?

• People already have their circle of friends and social circles and don't seek to expand them.. No more evenings in bars or other places where groups stay among themselves. And do not seek to meet new people.

• Many acquaintances remain at the stage of work contacts, afterworks or simple small talk.(In Quebec, working relationships are more superficial compared to France for example. All my close friends, with a few exceptions, are former work colleagues from my TV years in Paris)

• Scalded by the sorrows of friendships, some people have a harder time getting back into a relationship. And let's be honest, it hurts just as much as a breakup. Especially when that friendship really meant something to you and was an integral part of your life.

• The Covid 19 effect didn't help and highlighted your need for a social life. But you've lost the habit of socializing, as if you'd lost the codes.

• Your relationships are increasingly dictated by your work life or where you live. The geographical distance with your group of loyal friends can then be more complicated and not easy to maintain over time. (expatriation, transfer, moving to the provinces, etc.)

• New ways of meeting people, such as Facebook groups, are not easy.. You see each other from time to time but you don't really have any chemistry. The relationship doesn't evolve into a friendship. It's like you're so desperate for new friends on both sides. You want it to work and click between you. And so you force the relationship a little bit to make it work.

• Easy and interested cronyism will now be favored : for example, parents of students, neighbors, etc. No need to look far for social contacts, even if they may remain superficial.

• Laziness to take the first step or fear of the unknown may be another reason for this lack of social life

• Toddlers come into your lives, thirty-somethings oblige, the cycle of life after all. You spend more time taking care of them and less and less time going out, or just between parents. Exit single friends who do not live the same rhythm or cannot understand what you experience on a daily basis. Priorities have changed.

• Or you simply have fewer opportunities to go out as you get older.. After all, your girlfriend Alice is not going to suggest you go clubbing. To meet up with all the local young people, to approximate music that you don't understand a word of ^^. We are far from the clubs where you could belt out Jean Jacques Goldman or the Midnight Demons. The evenings are more punctuated by meals at each other's houses, or even a little restaurant from time to time.

So the real question is: how can we change this situation?

So how do we fix this?

• Be open-minded to meeting

• Many groups and associations exist to help people match like Meetup Or Internations for example. I had done a few Meetup outings when I first started in Paris. I had a great meeting there with a Canadian who had just arrived in Paris too. It still led to a great friendship of a few years. Before we lost touch, I lived in Canada, she in Switzerland.

• Get a dog! It may seem silly, but when I see the number of meetings of dog owners, crowded in dog parks here, I tell myself there is no comparison. While your furballs have fun sniffing each other's behinds, you, owners find yourselves in the same situation (not that of smelling each other's behinds no ^^). But with nothing else to do than watch your dog play. So the discussion starts naturally. Or all it takes is for Fido to play with the other's dog and hey presto they've made things easier for you.

• The intermediary through friends of friends Since your evenings are spent at each other's houses, after a while you know everyone. All it takes is Nico to bring his new roommate to a meal. Or Marie, her new work colleague. "too funny I swear" in his terms, and the possibilities of meeting expand. Yes, because if you sympathize with a newcomer in the group, he inevitably knows other people. And the opportunities of meeting new people necessarily expand. QED.

• Volunteer. Giving your time allows you to help your neighbor, of course. But at the same time, you meet multitudes of people who can become friends later on.

• We can never say it enough: Doing a sport or hobby (pottery workshop, writing, etc.) for example will lead you to create a new social circle. By seeing the same faces on a regular basis, the proposals to see you outside will gradually come into place. Personally, thanks to my practice of Zumba several times a week in the past, I have made close friends. Friends that I still see regularly, even if I have not practiced this activity for a long time.

• As I said above, meetings via social networks like Facebook groups are developing more and more. It can remain an option. As an expat once again, I see new posts several times a day from people looking to make friends. Afterwards I agree, that the need to create a social circle when you arrive as an expatriate somewhere alone, is essential. Compared to someone who already has their bearings in their daily life, who is in their comfort zone. Everything is relative of course.

So let's rest assured, we are all in the same boat. And this, no matter where we live in the world, what job we do, our social background, etc.

Making friends as an adult is no easy task. But there are ways to try to expand your social circle.

So action!