What is your attachment style?

Do you always run into people who are unavailable? Or do you run away as soon as things get serious? It's (maybe) not just bad luck... but rather your attachment style playing up.

Yes, our reactions in love (and not only) often come from far away...

So before blaming Tinder, let's take stock together.

What is an attachment style?

It's a bit like the pair of emotional glasses you wear without knowing it.

Your attachment style is how you behave in your close relationships (love, friendship, family), based on what you learned at a very young age. Basically, if you were reassured, listened to, and supported as a child, you develop an attachment secure. Otherwise, chances are you're anxious, avoidant or disorganized.

Come on, let's review the 4 main styles with concrete examples.

1. The Secure Attachment Style: The Holy Grail

 “I have confidence, I feel good, and I communicate clearly.”

 What it is:

You are comfortable with proximity as well as distance.
You're not afraid to be vulnerable, but you also know how to set your boundaries.
You trust, you communicate well, you don't feel "too much" or "not enough."

In relationships:

• You're not playing emotional hide-and-seek.
• You know that disagreements don't call love into question.
• You are present, reassuring and stable.

Where does it come from?

From a childhood environment where you were:

• Reassured when you were afraid
• Listened to when you were sad
• Let yourself explore the world feeling safe

What to remember:

This is the most stable style.
But don't worry: even if you didn't have it at the start, you can build it little by little as an adult.

2. The anxious attachment style: hyper-attachment

 “Love me strongly, and above all, never leave me.”

• You always want to be sure that the other person loves you.
• You overanalyze his every silence.
• You can become very emotionally dependent.
• You are afraid of being abandoned or not enough.

What it is:

You have a deep fear of being abandoned.
You are often hypervigilant: you analyze silences, unsaid things, changes in tone of voice.

You need constant reassurance, sometimes even at the expense of your well-being.

In relationships:

• You can become emotionally dependent.
• You cling to unstable relationships.
• You give a lot... in the hope that you will be loved in return.
• You are often afraid of rejection.

Where does it come from?

Often from a parent or relative who was inconsistent in childhood:
present one day, absent the next.
Your brain has learned that love is unpredictable, so you stay on your toes.

 What to remember:

You can learn to secure yourself from within, set boundaries, choose stable people, and build your own emotional foundation.

3. The avoidant attachment style: love at a controlled distance

“Privacy? No thanks, I’ll handle everything myself.”

What it is:

You are uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
As soon as you feel someone getting too close, you run away. You shut down. You cut off.
You value independence, sometimes to the point of sabotaging your relationships.

You may appear detached, independent, strong... but deep down, you're afraid of being hurt.

In relationships:

• You avoid conflicts, or you run away from them.
• You don't express your emotions easily.
• You often feel overwhelmed or suffocated by other people's expectations.
• You put up a barrier, "just in case."

Where does it come from?

Often from an environment where:

• Your emotions were not taken into account
• You learned to rely only on yourself
• Showing feelings was seen as weakness

What to remember:

Intimacy isn't dangerous. You can learn to be yourself while opening up to others, to build a connection without feeling trapped.

4. The Disorganized Attachment Style: Inner Chaos

"I need you, but you scare me."

• You alternate between the need for love and the fear of the other.
• You are extremely suspicious, yet you dream of being loved.
• You have often experienced trauma or unstable relationships.
• Your relationships are intense, unpredictable, exhausting.

What it is:

You want to be loved… but you’re afraid of love.
You alternate between an extreme need for fusion and a panicky fear of intimacy.
You can sometimes unconsciously sabotage your relationships, even when they are healthy.

It is a very ambivalent, often painful style.

In relationships:

• You seek security... but you run away as soon as it is given to you.
• You go from "I love you" to "leave me" in a flash.
• You experience relationships as a mixture of passion, panic, and confusion.
• You may be in patterns of simultaneous dependence and rejection.

Where does it come from?

It is often linked to childhood trauma:
violence, neglect, abuse or extreme insecurity.
You haven't learned to differentiate between love and danger, so you're in constant internal conflict.

What to remember:

This style can be transformed with support, therapy, and a lot of gentleness towards yourself. It's not inevitable.

Can you change your attachment style?

Yes, absolutely! Your attachment style is not a fixed label for life.
It's a starting point, not a prison.

Yes, you can upgrade it.
Understanding your style is already 50 % of work. Knowing that we often have a mix of several types, with one dominant style.

Then you can learn to:

• better manage your emotions
• communicate clearly
• surround yourself with secure and stable relationships

And above all: you can give yourself what you have not always received.

To go further on the subject:

• Read about attachment styles and childhood wounds.
• Talk to a pro: therapist, coach, etc.
• Practice emotional regulation (meditation, journaling, EFT, etc.)
• Observe your repetitive patterns in love and your daily reactions.
• And above all: be gentle with yourself.

So what attachment style do you identify with?