Hyper-independence or the illusion of managing everything

You know that little voice inside that says: "If I want it done right, I have to do it myself"? That's exactly what hyper-independence is.

It goes beyond autonomy: it means refusing all help, even when you really need it. At first, it seems effective and rewarding, but over time, it becomes tiring. You end up carrying everything on your shoulders and, let's be honest, no one signed up to live a life in ultra-solitary mode.

Some examples of hyper-independence

But how does someone who is hyper-independent actually reflect themselves on a daily basis?

At work : Rather than delegating a task to a colleague, you prefer to keep everything for yourself. You say to yourself: “It will be faster and better done”. Result: you're logging overtime, and your energy level is at an all-time low. You're juggling 15 files at once, and your boss says: “You can delegate that to Sophie if you want.”. But you, no! You politely decline and continue. Result: you end up at the office at 10pm with a liter of cold coffee. ☕

In personal life : You're moving soon, and when a friend offers to help, you proudly reply: "Thanks, but I'll manage on my own." Two heavy boxes later, you find yourself sweating, struggling, wondering why you didn't accept this little helping hand.

In love : You're going through a tough time, but instead of talking to your partner about it, you keep it all to yourself. Because "it's better not to bother others", right? Result: your partner thinks you're sulking and you end up arguing.🙃

Why do we fall into this mode of operation?

Disappointments in the past.

If you've ever asked someone for help and it ended badly, it's normal to be hesitant to do it again. Sometimes, we entrust an important task to someone we trust, and it turns out to be a disaster: the work is poorly done, or worse, the person doesn't even keep their promises. These experiences can leave a bitter taste and install a persistent thought: “You can never be better served than by yourself.”

Over time, this reflex becomes automatic. As soon as a new task presents itself, your brain reminds you of this past failure: “Why take the risk of depending on others again?” Result: you prefer to manage everything yourself, even if it requires a lot more effort and time.

An education that values autonomy

Some people grow up in environments where asking for help is frowned upon. In these families, independence is glorified, and people are taught from a young age to fend for themselves. Phrases like “Get by, you’re old enough.” Or “Don’t count on anyone, others won’t always be there for you” take root in the mind.

When you hear these kinds of messages over and over again, you end up believing that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It can become almost shameful to admit that you need support. Even when you're on the verge of exhaustion, you still think that handling everything yourself is the only right way to do it.

Fear of being vulnerable

Admitting that you need help is exposing a part of yourself that you might prefer to keep hidden. Vulnerability is scary. We often fear that others will judge us or take advantage of us to devalue us. A little voice inside whispers: “If I show that I’m struggling, will people still respect me?”

There's also this fear of losing control. By assigning a task or expressing a need, you give up some of your power and depend on another person. And for someone who has always operated in "lonely" mode, this idea can be particularly uncomfortable.

Long-term consequences

This way of operating is not without risks. By wanting to take on everything, we end up exhausting ourselves and isolating ourselves.

Chronic fatigue: To the point of exhaustion

Managing a thousand things at once, without ever taking a break or asking for help, is physically and mentally exhausting. Each new task becomes an additional responsibility that you take on alone, and over time, your energy drains. Warning signs can start with a simple lack of desire or motivation, but if nothing changes, it could evolve into a burnout.

As you pile up your responsibilities, you find yourself in a vicious circle: the more you exhaust yourself, the less fit you are, and the more you blame yourself for not being able to keep up. Result: the feeling that everything is becoming too much and growing frustration. When the body and mind no longer follow, even the small tasks of daily life end up seeming insurmountable.

Isolation: Feeling like you don't need anyone

When you consistently refuse help from others, it unconsciously sends the message that you don’t need it. At first, people around you may congratulate you on your independence. But in the long run, people may come to believe that you’re not interested in their support or, worse, that they’re not living up to your expectations.

Gradually, they stop offering help : “What’s the point? He or she does everything by himself or herself anyway.” This phenomenon creates distance, and relationships get cold without you realizing it. Without the intention of isolating yourself, you find yourself in a form of emotional and practical solitude in spite of yourself. When you finally want or need support, it becomes harder to ask for it because this habit of doing everything alone has already dug a gap.

Relationship Tensions: Misunderstandings and Lack of Trust

In romantic or friendly relationships, keep your problems to yourself can quickly give the impression that you don't trust the other. Even if, on your side, you think you are doing the right thing by sparing the other or wanting to manage everything discreetly, the other may perceive this as a refusal of emotional sharing.

This creates misunderstandings: your partner, or even your friends, may believe that you are excluding them, that you do not consider them important enough to confide in them about what you are going through. Feeling left out or useless can hurt and lead to frustrations. These tensions build up and can affect the quality of relationships, making communication more difficult.

So how do you find a balance?

There's no need to revolutionize everything overnight. It's possible to learn to balance independence and mutual aid, one small step at a time.

• Asking for help with small things : No need to start with big requests. Try something simple: ask a colleague to proofread your email or a friend to help you with a small project.
• Change your perspective on asking for help : Asking for a helping hand is not admitting weakness. It is also offering others the opportunity to feel useful and participate in what you do.
• Express what you feel : If you're going through a difficult time, talking to someone can really help. Not only will it give you some relief, but it will also show your loved ones that you trust them.
• Delegate intelligently : Delegating doesn't mean giving up your responsibilities, but recognizing that others can provide valuable support. Plus, it strengthens collaboration and lightens your daily load.

Hyper-independence may feel empowering in the short term, but in the long run, it can take its toll. The idea is not to become totally dependent on others, but to find a balance. Learning to ask for help also means recognizing that no one needs to do everything alone.

And you know what? When we collaborate, we often realize that life becomes much lighter and more enjoyable. So, are you ready to delegate? 😉